21/07/2024 many days on, the way time passes feels so different now. its thick. i hate it. i guess im glad that it doesnt rush by me in a breeze, but i wish things would just Happen yknow. i need some movement. at least i have more money to count on, which doesnt leave me feeling like a burden to everyone around me, i know its a bad mode of thinking shut up im seeing a psych. theres a weird aspect of this temporal agitation i cant put my finger on, the underlying patheticness of it all? i know its lame and corny etc but im really struggling to grasp at some kind of worth, i need to craft a solution, anything to get me back into a productive mindset. university is a scary thing, especially now that the financial anxiety has dawned as bright as the sun through my old window, i wish i could wake up. i need to start living for real this time now that my parents arent there to be disapppointed. i never found out where he wanted his ashes to go. i guess lost to memory and found home in a shoebox is all hes gonna get in the end. i wish the world wasnt so large so i could see my place in it.
09/07/2024 time to think about the future. im honestly mostly happy with my life at this time, i have a loving partner and most of a plan, despite my pain and inability to produce much of anything. i guess im just scared of both the future and my inability to properly grab past opportunity. do most people think about the past this much? it seems so with how you all adore nostlagia but i feel so weighed down and almost vindictive? maybe its depression or something else. ill never really know witht he lack of introspection i can muster.
25/05/2024 please mr pilot, blah blah blah its a good song, ive been listening to it for a while. probably too much honestly. sometimes the harmony gets to me despite its simplicity, i guess he just has a way with "authenticity" that spoke to me as a teen. inevitable loneliness crusade. at least im better now thaat i know how to think somewhat.
23/05/2024 hi, ive been back at home for about three weeks now, i guess in the swirling emotional relief i forgot to actually update this page. but im normal now, the horrible bastard known as my old assus laptop has been gutted and its reconsituted guts have been pushed into the chest cavity of a new awesome swag pc like some kind of cronenbergian robocop; bigger, better, and much less likely to crash and lose my ableton sessions. I can play games, and chat with friends, and lie in a consuming peace that i now know i can rely on this machine, at least for a few years. i still cant wlak properly, and while the acetabulum has partially returned to full state i still have Quite a Bit of nerve damage, which is fun isn't it! still on the crutches after all this, its great, actually no it isnt what are you thinking i cant even go for a walk outside without being draped in exhaustion, i cant even push through it with remnants of physical stability, it just envelops my entire being; and i want to lie down.
23/03/2024 bye bye dad, i dont want to cry anymore, i just want to scream. i just want to kill somebody
07/03/2024 happy birthday to me two days ago, and thanks to no one except dad for showing up, not like im much excitement in this state anyway. hey guys lets go stand in a room with a corpse for twenty minutes and exchange like six sentences. jeez
29/02/2024 hi im alive, almost died, still in rehab. got access to my puter finally, hopefully this is the end of the shitshow. ive never felt myself in this headspace before, obviously hard days at home can be similar when everything fades together into a grey lump of memory mollasses, but to experience the same pain day after day is new. i hate it here. my leg doesnt work and my arm cant move properly, i cant stand up, all mobility and agency is gone. ive been transfered to a private hospital, thanks tac, the foods nicer but still bland, i can see a tree now. i never thought id miss the opportunity to walk outside, not t least until i left aus. im trying not to be let down, dont let me down.
04/02/2024 its so over.
29/01/24 happy nyear every1. pmuping estrogen throughout my veins in a thunderdome manner in an attempt to stave off heinous thought, its goin well. still lovin the boy, they're perfect. fuck this job im going to uni, maybe ill find solace in paramedicine and a career that doesnt make me wanna commit to the bit, i need to help people. i must help someone or otherwise itll all be for nothing. byebye see you in a month
15/12/23 ohly shit everything has happened. one of my best friends in the whole world dared to watch a tv show with me; were in love. imagine holding back those feelings for so long, i want to give them a chance. maybe things will work out this time, im hopeful.
2/12/23 seriously there's such a difference between "i love you" and "i love ya" its insane. what a beautiful change of verbage in this godforsaken dogcunt language
1/12/23 another appointment, another week away. hey at least i now Know i can start hrt next week since im apparently in perfect health? i really dreaded that blood test as ive always felt like a balloon filled with molasses and not a Trim and Fit young Man. whatever fewer problems for me and more big fat estrogen, which i hope actually makes an impact to how i see myself. rolling the dice and hey you may look like a weird boygirl or you might just get osteoporosis tough luck fucko.
25/11/23 guess what, its doctin time. nah seriously ive finally managed to get an appointment to discuss some form of estrogen therapy and it honestly feels quite calming. doctors a massive gay which helps, at least he's enthusiastic about assistance. oh yeah i also wrote a nice melody for the first time in months, maybe i'll use it for a christmas present for a friend; i've been meaning to give them something special. Now that i've finally settled in to work i've began to dread the long day, its boring as fuck, as i expected. but oh well, hopefully i can move onward to some kind of study, otherwise nothing better to do than blow my brains out. does anyone really know how to get through the day without taking some form of mental damage? ive seen the people i work with and i think they're just making it up, those tired eyes unnerve me, and they joke too much. i dont want to become like them.
07/11/23 spent the last few hours finally scrounging the internet for real doctors that wont hand wave anyone who isnt cis away, maybe ill finally get the funny pills im looking for! summer has also finally started to set in by the fucking insane thick humid air that abounds
06/11/23 family and i went out to see a film, i couldnt help but feel eyes on the back of my head. i really looked like a fucked cunt. hopefully more cash comes in and my car will start working again
05/11/23 first post holy shit its late man i needa go to bed but this has gotta be done, completed, made fully real or itll be wasted. honestly this shit pisses my brain off big time, well moreso myself Because of my brain being unable to recall a detail later, like remember to Make The Fucking Blog Section which has been in a holding pattern for months. anyway its here now its reall its good its nice a large and girthy and not a soul will read it, maybe i can finally be normal. or maybe itll turn into a bad calvino narrative copy who knows lma of o. bye!