07/03/2024 happy birthday to me two days ago, and thanks to no one except dad for showing up, not like im much excitement in this state anyway. hey guys lets go stand in a room with a corpse for twenty minutes and exchange like six sentences. jeez
29/02/2024 hi im alive, almost died, still in rehab. got access to my puter finally, hopefully this is the end of the shitshow. ive never felt myself in this headspace before, obviously hard days at home can be similar when everything fades together into a grey lump of memory mollasses, but to experience the same pain day after day is new. i hate it here. my leg doesnt work and my arm cant move properly, i cant stand up, all mobility and agency is gone. ive been transfered to a private hospital, thanks tac, the foods nicer but still bland, i can see a tree now. i never thought id miss the opportunity to walk outside, not t least until i left aus. im trying not to be let down, dont let me down.
04/02/2024 its so over.
29/01/24 happy nyear every1. pmuping estrogen throughout my veins in a thunderdome manner in an attempt to stave off heinous thought, its goin well. still lovin the boy, they're perfect. fuck this job im going to uni, maybe ill find solace in paramedicine and a career that doesnt make me wanna commit to the bit, i need to help people. i must help someone or otherwise itll all be for nothing. byebye see you in a month
15/12/23 ohly shit everything has happened. one of my best friends in the whole world dared to watch a tv show with me; were in love. imagine holding back those feelings for so long, i want to give them a chance. maybe things will work out this time, im hopeful.
2/12/23 seriously there's such a difference between "i love you" and "i love ya" its insane. what a beautiful change of verbage in this godforsaken dogcunt language
1/12/23 another appointment, another week away. hey at least i now Know i can start hrt next week since im apparently in perfect health? i really dreaded that blood test as ive always felt like a balloon filled with molasses and not a Trim and Fit young Man. whatever fewer problems for me and more big fat estrogen, which i hope actually makes an impact to how i see myself. rolling the dice and hey you may look like a weird boygirl or you might just get osteoporosis tough luck fucko.
25/11/23 guess what, its doctin time. nah seriously ive finally managed to get an appointment to discuss some form of estrogen therapy and it honestly feels quite calming. doctors a massive gay which helps, at least he's enthusiastic about assistance. oh yeah i also wrote a nice melody for the first time in months, maybe i'll use it for a christmas present for a friend; i've been meaning to give them something special. Now that i've finally settled in to work i've began to dread the long day, its boring as fuck, as i expected. but oh well, hopefully i can move onward to some kind of study, otherwise nothing better to do than blow my brains out. does anyone really know how to get through the day without taking some form of mental damage? ive seen the people i work with and i think they're just making it up, those tired eyes unnerve me, and they joke too much. i dont want to become like them.
07/11/23 spent the last few hours finally scrounging the internet for real doctors that wont hand wave anyone who isnt cis away, maybe ill finally get the funny pills im looking for! summer has also finally started to set in by the fucking insane thick humid air that abounds
06/11/23 family and i went out to see a film, i couldnt help but feel eyes on the back of my head. i really looked like a fucked cunt. hopefully more cash comes in and my car will start working again
05/11/23 first post holy shit its late man i needa go to bed but this has gotta be done, completed, made fully real or itll be wasted. honestly this shit pisses my brain off big time, well moreso myself Because of my brain being unable to recall a detail later, like remember to Make The Fucking Blog Section which has been in a holding pattern for months. anyway its here now its reall its good its nice a large and girthy and not a soul will read it, maybe i can finally be normal. or maybe itll turn into a bad calvino narrative copy who knows lma of o. bye!